forty days

today begins the first forty days until i see my husband again.  i did not do ok.  i cried at the airport.  in forty days i will have him back for about 14 days and then he will be gone for forty more days and so on and so forth.  we have hashed this out already and i am too moody to hash it out again.  it is mostly just ticking me off at this point that i am being so much more emotional than usual.  forward…

my post today is a result of mrs. margaret feinberg, she is a wonderful author and i have read most of her books.  i subscribe to her newsletter and this morning her words spoke peace to my aching heart:

The number forty has repetitive significance in the Bible. It rained for 40 days when Noah was on the ark (Genesis 7:17). Moses spent 40 days on Mt. Sinai (Exodus 24:18). The Israelites spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness before entering the Promised Land (Numbers 14:33). Elijah spent 40 days walking to Mt. Horeb (1 Kings 19:8). Jesus fasted for 40 days and was tempted by Satan (Matthew 4:1-2). God can do amazing things in increments of forty.”

i read this to jason and we prayed together before he left.  do you know there is nothing that more intimate to me than having my husband pray for me?  it causes me to feel so cherished and safe.  i digress…

my question to you?  will you pray for me and jason.  that the next forty days, and the forty days after that will be a time where god uses our separation to do something amazing.  margaret’s post was in reference to the forty days of lent, which will begin during our time apart.  i have observed lent off and on over the years, this year i feel it is significant and will need to spend some time considering how and what and so on.  thank you in advance for your support and prayers in the upcoming months.

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moving forward

“if you can’t fly then run, if you can’t walk then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward” -martin luther king jr.

Imagei once read that soldiers changed the quote so it said “if you can’t crawl then find someone to carry you” but however it is read, the most important thing is to “keep moving forward.”  right now i am not moving very fast, and i must warn you my next few posts in the upcoming months are going to be supremely erratic. someday’s i will be flying or at least running, someday’s barely walking…and then there will be the days that i cannot even crawl and will desperately need someone to carry me.

my husband is leaving…for 4 months.  just typing it depresses me.  i feel incredibly guilty how sad i am right now.  i have military friends and family members who’s husbands and wives have been gone or are about to leave for twice that amount of time.  jason tell’s me i have it easy.  he is right, but it isn’t making it any easier to know i have it easy for some reason.  i can feel the long silent days stretching out in front of me…sigh.  we really should have had a baby already so i would have a distraction…or at least a noisy dog instead of a bratty cat.

i don’t write for you to feel sorry for me, i mostly write to get it out of my system and gain a new perspective.  jason married me for my fierce independence, and although i have become quite dependent on him, (as i should be) in times like these, i remember  and revert back, mostly for self-preservation.  i have lots of plans i am putting into action while he is gone:

  • learn spanish
  • become a member of dc sisterhood
  • become an official member of our new church
  • join the dream team
  • experiment in the kitchen
  • i would say get pregnant but that may be difficult given the circumstances so instead:
  • lose 20 lbs

walt disney said: “around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. we keep moving forward opening up new doors and doing new things…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” here is to four months of staying busy, looking ahead, curiosity, creativity and…moving forward. one.day.at.a.time.

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left-overs

my refrigerator is full to the brim of groceries and left-overs. this is odd. and unusual. i have cooked every day this week. i usually only cook when i am feeling guilty because i haven’t cooked in weeks and we have been living off of take-out for too long. i know, pathetic…don’t judge. but some exciting changes have happened in the millenaar household, first (and these may or may not be in any particular order) i started a new job which decreased the amount of time spent at work, but secondly increased our monthly income significantly. third i am on a break from school for about 6 months currently. fourth, we sat down recently and worked on “mr. budget” and found out that if we were careful we could (other than my student loans) be pretty much debt free by the end of 2012. and fifth we have started on a journey toward healthier living as a family, including eating more at home and instituting “meatless mondays.”

so what does this all have to do with left-over? i am glad you asked. :)

i find i have much more time on my hands and much more energy to do something constructive with that time. i.e cooking dinner. i have time and money to buy more groceries than usual and splurge on healthier items like salmon and shrimp. i also have been experimenting with dishes. chinese stir-fry, and shrimp fried rice were my latest. i have to admit meatless mondays have been my greatest challenge thus far, i have lived my entire life centering each meal (with breakfast as an exception) around a meat of some kind. turkey sandwiches for lunch, chicken and vegetables for dinner, and so on. it has taken research and specific grocery food shopping to even have the ingredients in the house for a vegetarian dinner. thanks for all you guys commenting on my facebook pictures, your encouraging words keep me motivated

one final word, jason and i have found a good home church finally. for those of you who have known our struggles since moving here, thank you for your prayers. it is no coincidence to me that we have been feeling happier and healthier at home now that we have consistent place of worship. we are still hesitant in our involvement for multiple reasons, but i think we are making strides in the areas of trust and limitations. it’s still a work in progress. but god doesn’t want our left-overs in this area, he wants the very first of our fruits. and with that i will leave you as i now have even more food (for thought).

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reflection

i am in a relatively good period in my personal life right now, bills are paid, home is good, i love my job and work schedule. but as a military wife i am constantly on guard emotionally. this duty station has had it’s ups and down with jason being home and gone but thus far no overseas deployments (knock on wood). 2010 was a rough year we lived apart more than we lived together and that along with pcs’ing to washington dc made for a stressful year. 2011 has been much better, we have only been apart a couple of months and as most military spouses know that is a serious bonus year. i have become a bit spoiled and not quite as on guard so i was caught by surprise when jason brought me some training dates for 2012. sometimes the jolt back to reality causes more inner reflection than i really wanted to face…so this thought from a wise elderly lady made me stop and think and remember to hold on dearly to what i have when i have it and be thankful for that itself.

“grief and i are old friends. when is a good time for your husband to die? is it when he’s young and the two of you have your whole life ahead of you? how about after you have children and you need him there when they’re sick and to help you raise them god’s way? or maybe it’s better after the children are gone and you’re ready for some peaceful years spent watching your grandchildren grow with him by your side? or did you think the best time was when you were old and you’ve both lived a full life and your faces are no longer beautiful but seamed with the lines of time? did you think that was the best time, when it’s been you and him as one for over 45 years? believe me, there is no good time for your mate to die.”

jason is not heading in to a war zone by any stretch of the imagination, but sometimes i need the reminder that everyday is precious with my most beloved ones. the little things can slide sometimes as i re-prioritize. if i don’t post again before christmas, then i want to say to my family and friends that i love you, i miss you, and merry christmas.

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millenaar recap

whoa…realized it has been a couple of months since i have blogged. been busy but also been on vacation :) jason and i spent 9 fabulous days in hawaii for our five year anniversary. we spent the first 4 days on the big island snorkeling, exploring volcanoes, falling more in love. and the last 5 days on oahu with jason’s sister keeli, her husband justin, and our beautiful two year old niece julia. we relaxed, got lots of sun, and reconnected with family. both were very different, but very fun. we had the most fabulous food and incredible views of my short little 32 years.

when i returned i started my new job in the emergency department at children’s hospital. so far i absolutely love it. i feel like a real nurse again, learning, growing, seeing everything under the sun. it is quite fun. also i am back on three twelves my favorite! i love having four days at home to clean, cook, workout, relax, it really makes big difference.

in other news, my best friend has asked me to be her maid of honor. i am so excited for her to be married and so honored that she wants me to stand next to her. i love her so much and am so proud of how far she has come. i simply cannot wait for her wedding!!!

today is thanksgiving and i have more to be thankful for than i can recap. my husband has been home for almost a year (which as many of you know is a true miracle). i have a marvelous and super sweet family that is strong and supportive. i have steady job that i love and a schedule i am grateful for. i am healthy and in love and so is my dear husband. i have wonderful friends in d.c. and all across the country and couldn’t be more grateful for all they have done for me. and finally i have a great big god who has blessed me immensely and watched over me with every step and misstep i have made. i am thankful to him for not just providing but also causing us to thrive. everyday i hope to grow closer to him and learn more about his plan for my life. this life is just the beginning not the end.

happy thanksgiving to everyone…love you!

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wear sunscreen

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

-Mary Schmich (I think) this is an article/book/poem I read in the waiting room in a clinic the other day…I absolutely loved it!

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alaska

“the wolf’s lonesome howl, the hoot of the great grey owl;
the spirit of alaska has a majestically call.
the strength of the brown bear, the feel of the fresh air
tames man’s ego and makes it seem small”

-jimmy tohill

i came to alaska this summer to bring my dad, it has been his lifelong dream for as long as i can remember. we have tried to come before, but something always came up, but finally 7 days ago we landed in anchorage alaska. it honestly wasn’t on my list at all but now, a mere week later, i believe everyone should experience alaska! it isn’t your typical vacation, some work is involved, and a good attitude is a must. the weather was never great, it rained a lot, but it never stopped us. we hiked, fished, and viewed the most gorgeous glaciers they were almost surreal. when it was sunny it was even more breathtaking, and to see real live whales, sea lions, otters, seals, and the magnificent grizzly bear. inspiring and indescribable… we adventured into denali our last few days and to see moose and caribou playing in the clear mountain air reminded me to breath deeper, take life a little less seriously, and enjoy the outdoors again. it snowed on the way down the mountain and we took time out to play in it a bit. it was an altogether memorable and cherished trip with my dad and i think you should add Alaska to your list

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